Make This Go On Forever
by airbie
Summary: She got him in a metaphorical vice like grip. She's not letting go. What has she become? Teddy Altman & Owen Hunt - dark theme


_This is not how I planned this fanfic to turn out, not gonna lie. It was going to be a Towen love story, but the fic had other ideas and this happened. I'm not sure I'll keep this up yet… Depends what people think._

 _It's set at the end of season 14._

 _The use of **I**_ _and_ ** _II_ **_is_ **NOT** _an original idea of mine. I've seen it used by other authors and decided that as I have written numerous flashbacks, that it works in this story._

 _Please, enjoy._

* * *

 **Make This Go On Forever**

* * *

 **II**

Teddy slides her trembling hand under the faucet and watches as the cold water washes away the evidence of what she's just done from her bony fingers.

With heavy eyes she looks up at her reflection in the mirror. _Dead girl walking_.

Her pale skin and dark bags make her look hollow. _Fitting_ , she thinks. It's how she feels.

She knows she can't maintain this, but it gives her control. And for now, that's enough.

The bathroom door swings open.

It's Arizona.

"Hey, Teddy." Arizona darts into the stall.

"Hi." Teddy re-ties her hair. It's time for her to go to surgery.

* * *

 **I**

It started in Baghdad.

 _Pathetic._

The first time she did it was after Riggs proposed to Megan with Felicia Phillips' necklace.

It hurt. _A lot._

It felt disgusting.

It gave her control. She couldn't control Riggs, or Megan, or Owen, but she could control this.

She swore she'd never do it again.

 _She was wrong._

* * *

 **II**

Her scrubs are smothering her. _Is it always this warm in here?_

She's elbow deep in this kids chest.

What's his name again? She doesn't remember. Not like he cares.

 _Is it always this hot?_

"You okay?" Alex asks.

She can see Alex eyeing her from his side of the kids body. His lips are moving but the sound isn't reaching her ears.

 _Shit._

She barely has time to put down her scalpel before everything turns black.

 **.**

"Teddy?" The lights are blinding. She nurses are irritating. She pushes them off her and struggles to her feet.

"Can we get a wheelchair?" Alex asks. One of the scrub nurses nods.

"Don't." Teddy demands. "I'm fine."

"You collapsed."

"I'm just dehydrated. I'll go have a drink." She says through gritted teeth. _Challenge her again, she dares him_.

"Fine. Page Pierce." Teddy tears off her gown and storms out.

She's fine. _(Or is she?)._

* * *

 **I**

There's a joy in her heart she can't explain. She watches as he blindfolds the eyes of the other soldiers and moves their faces in front of the snow machine.

 _She loves him._

She didn't think that. He's not _hers_.

 _He should be_.

He's engaged to that _Beth_. It's like a dirty word. One she doesn't want to acknowledge exists.

The joy has gone.

 **.**

She finds herself at the back throwing up her breakfast.

Now she's clean again. No _dirty words_ , and no calories.

She can live like this. _(No, she can't.)._

* * *

 **II**

 _Ugh_. Being interim chief means paperwork. _A lot_ of it. Begrudgingly, she does it.

She's startled by a knock at the door.

"I hear you collapsed." Owen's voice reaches her ears.

"Gossip travels fast here, I forgot."

He eyes her up and down.

She knows he doesn't believe her.

"Teddy-"

"How's Megan?" He sighs.

"Good. She and Verouk are fine."

"And Nathan?"

"He's good, too."

"Good." _Pause._ The silence is deafening. "All right then, see you around."

Go away. _Stay_.

She doesn't want him here. _(Yes, she does.)._

"Goodbye."

She's alone. She's always alone.

God, paperwork is a killer.

* * *

 **I**

She holds tightly onto the handle as the helicopter doors open.

Owen shields his face from the light. _God, he looks like hell_.

She realises it then. They're dead. _All of them_. All of them _except_ him.

She wants to run over and draw him into a bone crushing hug, she wants to give him reassurance, she wants to give him _love._

He climbs into the helicopter, ignoring her completely.

She looks at the corpses he's left behind, the corpses of their friends.

 _Lucky bastards_. She thinks. They're gone. They don't have to suffer heartbreak anymore.

Teddy realises what she's just thought and shudders.

She climbs in after Owen.

She places a comforting hand on his shoulder and pretends not to notice when he flinches.

"What do you need?" She wants to help. She _needs_ to help.

He doesn't look at her when he answers.

"Beth. I need to talk to Beth."

She withdraws her hand

 _Dirty._

 _ **.**_

Teddy finds herself throwing up her dinner later that day. _No more of that dirty word._ She's clean and pure. And one day she'll be enough for him.

* * *

 **II**

God, why is she so… Everywhere. Teddy sits on the couch in the attendings lounge, trying to have a conversation with Pierce but _all_ she can hear is Amelia. _I thought they broke up_.

She's young, _too_ young. Owen divorced her once already. Teddy wonders what happened to make them all _lovey-dovey_ again.

"Teddy?" It's Maddie. Is it though? _She can't remember._

"Hm?"

"Amelia's having a games night, you coming?" Maddie ( _or not Maddie_ ) asks her.

"Sorry. I'm busy." She says, picking up her white coat and leaving.

Teddy hopes Maddie doesn't notice she didn't know the date.

 _Who cares anyway._

 _(It turns out her name was Maggie, not that she cares.)._

* * *

 **I**

"You son of a bitch." She whispers. She brought her over from Iraq and is now getting rid of her as he gets tired of her. That's it.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" She yells. The tears stream from her eyes and she feels a harsh mix of hurt, anger, betrayal and sadness all at once. She turns towards the door so he won't see her cry but fails as she gasps for air as she yanks open the door as slams it.

She slams her back into the wall, hysterical. _Fuck him_.

She hates him.

She can't hate him. She _loves_ him.

She's got to touch him once more. It can't end like this. _It just can't._

She bursts back into the room. He looks at her.

She runs into his open arms and into his tight embrace. She's still hysterical but she _has_ to have this.

She tells him to not lose _her_. But she's not talking to him. She's talking to _herself_. She is not going to lose _herself_ over this. _(Or will she?)_

* * *

 **II**

They work together in perfect harmony.

Altman and Hunt, in the OR, just as it used to be. _Perfect_.

To anyone watching them, it's like watching an intricate dance. Their operating styles compliment each other perfectly. A routine forged from the perils of war.

"Just like old times." He says to her.

"Just like old times." She agrees. In this moment, there's no _Beth_ , no _Cristina,_ no _Amelia_. In this moment it's just the two of them. _Just as it should be_.

She wants him. Oh, God, she wants him. She wants to feel his lips on hers, his arms around her waist. She wants _him._

 **.**

The surgery was a success. Teddy and Owen scrub out side by side.

"That was a job well done." Owen says.

"It was." Teddy agrees. Owen seems to wait a moment before he speaks again.

"We're hosting another games night soon-" he carries on, but she's not listening anymore. _We._ Why did he have to bring _her_ up.

"I'm busy." She says, coldly.

"Teddy." He tries.

But she's gone. _She's always gone._

* * *

 **I**

She throws her sweaty, _naked_ body back on her satin bed sheets.

God, she's _so fucking tired_ of faking orgasms but no one can excite her enough.

 _Ugh._

He's trying to _talk_ to her. No, this is not more than a one time thing. No, she doesn't want to get a drink with him. No, she doesn't want to _hang out_ again.

Just leave. All she wants is for him to leave.

Get _out._

She can't be bothered to argue, or even speak. She simply rolls over and falls hopes he's gone when she wakes up.

* * *

 **II**

She's standing under the shower. Still in her scrubs and gown.

How long has she been there? She doesn't know. She doesn't _care_.

She's shivering but _fuck it_ , she can't anymore. She just _can't._

One. Three. Seven. She slides down the wall. Thirteen. Seventeen. Twenty five. She can't calm down. It doesn't matter. _Nothing matters anymore._

She doesn't even think about it as she shoves her fingers down her throat. It's her _normal_.

 **.**

10 minutes later she emerges back into the lounge, wearing clean, dry scrubs.

"Are you ill?" Owen asks.

"Must've been the food."

"We ate the same thing. I'm fine."

"So am I." He doesn't know why he tries. She doesn't know why he tries.

She's a _lost cause._

But she likes it.

She loves him. _(Or does loving him make her feel alive?)_

 _No, it doesn't._

They're fighting a silent war now.

It's so much worse than the actual war.

 _She loves it._

* * *

 **I**

"I can't believe it." Teddy says. _She can believe it._ His head turns to her.

"What?" Owen asks. He looks like he's far away in his mind.

"Megan. And what Grey did, I mean, that surgery is gonna put her on the map." She says, trying to sound enthusiastic. _She couldn't care less._ She takes in a breath before uttering her next sentence. "You talk to Amelia?"

The _word_ , it's still a _dirty word._ She hopes he hasn't.

She still wants him.

"Yeah." _Fucking hell._ "I didn't go real well." _Oh?_

"I'm sorry." No, she's _not_.

"No. She hasn't stayed at home in months." Her stomach flutters. This is her chance. He's finally going to realise she _(Amelia)_ isn't his soulmate.

She hates herself for it.

He's her best friend. She should feel bad for him. _(But she doesn't.)._

"A lot of months." Owen finishes. Her stomach flutters again. "She hasn't touched me." _She will, if he lets her._ "We don't… She doesn't want to be married to me." _Teddy does. It's_ all _she wants._ "She said-" He hesitates.

"What?" Teddy asks, breathless. _Please_. "Wh-wh-what did she say?" She can't keep her voice steady. _God, please._

And just like that, he kisses her. She kisses him. It's passionate. She doesn't know who's in control. Years of built up love and lust come tumbling out in a fiery passion.

Wait.

It can't happen. _Not like this_.

She pulls away and stands up, gasping for air.

"Owen." She breathes. "You… You're married and you are conflicted and you, you are my favourite human on the planet and if we are meant to be more in this lifetime, it can't start with you cheating on-on your wife." It can't start with _her_ still in the picture. Teddy feels too _dirty_.

"She doesn't care." He doesn't look at her.

"But I care." _Not about that._ "And you care and I know you, Owen." She takes a breath. "I know your guilt. I know your shame, and I know what it'll do to you so let me stay your favourite person for now and you stay mine, okay?" She wants him. No. She _needs_ him. But it can't involve _her._

"Okay." He says. "I'm-I'm so sorry."

She cuts him off. He lost his chance to say sorry about the way he treats her ages ago. She'll appease him anyway.

"No, no, no, no, no. We are okay." She sits down next to him and takes his hand. "We are okay." She says again.

 _No, they're not._

 **.**

She throws up her breakfast the next morning.

She still feels dirty.

Well, maybe it's America. _Maybe it's me_.

She boards the plane back to Germany.

 _Fuck America._

* * *

 **II**

Owen finds Teddy out the front of the hospital, arms crossed against her chest, her gaze turned upwards.

"You all right?" He asks.

"Why does it rain so much in Seattle?" She asks. She's shivering. Not surprising, it's raining. It's _always_ raining in Seattle.

"Come inside." He tries, knowing it's futile.

"Okay." She doesn't move. He leans against the wall in defeat.

"You need to eat. You've been on call for hours."

"I'm fine." _She's not._

"Okay." He says. He steals one last glance at her before turning around.

"You went back to her." She says. Still focused on the sky. She's right. He never left her. In fact, after that blasted wedding they seem to have only gotten closer. She _loathes_ her.

"I know." He says.

He goes back inside.

 _He always leaves._

* * *

 **I**

Teddy hears knocking.

It's late. Not like she's sleeping.

 _God, it better not be one of her John's._ She's had enough of them showing up.

She almost doesn't get up.

"Okay, okay, okay, keep your pants on." She opens the door to the incessant knocking.

She can't believe it.

"They're on." Owen says, walking forward.

"Oh my God!" She launches herself into his arms. "Hi!"

 **.**

"So, tell me." She say from across the kitchen island. She's keeping her distance.

"Tell you what?" Owen asks _. (He knows what.)_

"Whatever it is you wanted to say but couldn't say in an email or over the phone so you showed up at my door in the middle of the night." Her arms are crossed. She's getting annoyed. "Must be…" She sighs, she _knows_ why. "Is it Amelia's tumour?"

"No, it's nothing like that." What?

"Oh. Is she pregnant?" She has to know. Why is he here? He shakes his head. She's getting fed up. "Owen are you going back to Iraq? Would you just tell me what it is, I can't take it."

"Amelia and I are done." The world _stops_. _Her_ world stops. Did he really say that? She stands there and stares at him.

 _What?_

"We're done, Teddy." He walks towards her. "So for the first time, you and me,"

 _Please_. Yes, she wants this. She wants him. She doesn't care that she doesn't care about his feelings anymore, she just wants _him_. "There's nothing standing in our way."

She stands there. She can't talk. She'll tell him she's bad for him. She can't. She wants this, she _needs_ this. She's _entitled_ to this. She's waited goddamn long enough.

"Okay so I said something." Owen says, uneasy in her silence. See, you gotta say something so…"

She says _nothing._

She walks towards him and pulls him into a tentative kiss instead. She doesn't have to talk this way.

She doesn't care that she'll hurt him. She just _wants_ him.

They pull apart, briefly. Both entranced in one another. Then they kiss, this time more passionately.

He lifts her onto the counter.

She starts taking of her clothes.

Yes, she's waited goddamn long enough for this. She's damn well gonna enjoy it.

 **.**

She's laughing. She can't stop.

They're in bed together. They did _it_. God, they're like naughty teenagers.

"Are you good there?" He asks. Laughter? Not what he expected.

She can't stop.

"You know, it's possible that I've imagined this moment once, okay a hundred times," She starts laughing even harder. _She's got him wrapped around her finger._ "But it didn't even involve laughing."

"You're in my bed." She says, still laughing. "You're in my bed, in Germany. I mean, you're in my bed in Germany."

"Yeah." he confirms it.

"Owen Hunt, naked, in my bed." She's laughing harder.

She doesn't care anymore. She's got what she wants. Him. In her bed. Nothing else matters.

He leans over her and they kiss passionately again.

She draws back. Unsure of herself.

 _She's going to lose who she is because of a guy._

"I know I should ask you why you're here but… it's just-"

"I told you." He says. She decides not to carry on.

"You imagined this too?"

"I imagined this too."

She kissed him again.

Who cares if she's lost herself.

She has _him._

 **.**

Later they're arguing. Good-naturedly. Over take-out.

About that guy with the Jim Morrison tattoo, she thinks. She's not sure anymore.

It's all kind of a blur.

 **.**

"This right here, when it snows, this is…" She says. They're cuddled up together under a blanket on her window seat, both looking out into the snow. "This is the one time I really love this place."

She asks him if he remembers the day he made it snow in the desert.

The day she threw up her dinner because of _Beth_. _(She doesn't mention that part.)._

Now.

Now she has to ask.

She can't take not knowing.

"Owen what are you doing here?" The words are out before she can think better of them.

"I told you."

"No, I mean… Is this it? Right here, this, is this," she sits up, throwing the blanket off of them. She walks over to the kitchen. She can't be near him. "Are you getting on a plane tomorrow and, and we have this… As amazing as this is, this isn't-" She doesn't want just this. She wants _more_ , she deserves more.

"What?"

"This isn't real!" She declares.

"Why can't it be?"

"Because I live a million miles and time zones away and, and I have a big life here Owen." She has to test him.

"Yeah but you hate Germany so…"

"Yeah but I love my job," _lie,_ "and I love my friends," _lie_ , "and there's this restaurant on the corner and they know me, and they make this roast chicken, I mean the best roasted chicken that I've ever tasted before," _not a lie_. "and I'm opening up a clinic for refugees and I have the finances and the resources and it's finally, finally happening and I have made a life here for myself and-"

"And why can't I be part of that?" _Because she'll hurt you. Because he'll hurt her._

"Do you wanna be a part of it? I mean you would move to Germany?"

"Why not? I mean I'm a trauma surgeon I could work with you-"

"For me."

"For you, or I could find a job at a different hospital if that's not what you want. I can move here and be with you, and-"

"And you'd be leaving Megan behind and your mum." That makes him think.

"Or you could come to Seattle. Pierce is unreal, the two of you together… Or we could half and half, or go to Canada."

He carries on but she's lost interest. She stares out of the window. She doesn't know what she wants.

She knows she should tell him no.

But she can't.

She doesn't care if she hurts him.

It's all about her now,

As it should've been a long time ago.

 _He just didn't realise_.

She snuggles back into his embrace without replying. It's not like she knows what he said anyway.

 _Neither does she care._

 **.**

"Stay a few days." She says, after they've had sex. _Again_. God, she's let herself go. "I'll show you around the hospital. We can go hiking around Bismarck tower."

"You can show me your roasted chicken place?"

"Yeah, back off. That place is all mine."

"So can you? Stay?" She hopes to God he can. She needs _more_ of him.

"Sure. I'll make a few calls. Kepner can take my shifts."

"Sure. I mean just like that. Sure."

"Teddy, I told you."

"Tell me this doesn't scare you." _It scares her._

"Why should it?"

Then that's it. He starts talking about _her._

Wait.

No.

Did she?

Is he only here because _she_ told him to?

 _No._

So she asks him.

 _Shit_.

She did.

To make it worse, she said it to him _last night_ when they were _sleeping_ together.

She's done.

She's _so fucking done._

 **.**

"Teddy." He calls after her as she walks to her front door. "Teddy you're blowing this way out of proportion. I came here to because I love you!"

"You came here because your marriage is over and you're terrified of being alone!" She spits.

"I'm not terrified!"

"Oh please, you leave Beth for Cristina and then Cristina for some random woman in a bar and then you go back to Cristina and then you go to Amelia to soothe your pathological need to be coupled up so that no one sees how sad and empty you are!"

She's done. She's packing all of his belongings as they argue.

She knows _she_ is no better. But _he_ doesn't know that.

She convinces herself that _he's_ the bad guy here, not her.

"You're the one who's scared."

"I'm not scared!"

"You always have been. Deep down you're terrified to be happy. Sure, you're fine to marry the dead guy but when you have love, real love staring you in the face, you run!"

"You don't ever get to talk about Henry, do you understand me!?"

He may be right, but like _hell_ was she gonna let him know that.

"I'm not scared!" She reiterates.

"Please, it's what you do, it's what you've always done," There's ice in his voice. He _wants_ to hurt her. "it's the reason you can't make a real relationship work. You'd rather burn it all to the ground rather than risk being hurt!"

 _That did it._

"Maybe because all you ever do is hurt me, Owen!"

 _There._ She said it. "You string me along for _years_ with these half big declarations and then you marry other women. And then you fly halfway across the world to my doorstep and you convince me that this is real, that you're in this with me, that you _love_ me, that you want me! And it has never, ever been about me!"

"I do love you. I want you."

"And then when you have me, when you really have me, and you have me believing that you mean it I find out that 24 hours earlier, your ex wife who you just screwed told you to! I am done being your fallback. I am done being your sloppy seconds. I'm not your consolation prize!"

"Teddy please, please," he tries to placate her but it's no use, "Teddy, just look at me, look at me, please." She turns. "Don't do this." He's not reaching her. "You know the snow? It wasn't for the soldiers. It was for you. I did it for you. I just knew that you loved Christmas and I just wanted to… I did it for you." She stares watery eyed at him.

She can't.

"I'm done, Owen. We're done." She says, opening up her front door.

He cares too much.

She cared too much, now she doesn't care at all.

 _They were doomed from day 1._

* * *

 **II**

Owen walks into the small single sex staff bathroom and finds Teddy bent over the sink.

"I thought you stopped doing that." He said, ice in his voice.

"Well. you thought wrong." She stands up and rinses her hands.

"It's dangerous, Teddy."

"What's it to you, Hunt." She quips. The deliberate use of his last name is not missed.

"Nothing."

He walks out again. He knows he shouldn't, but he does.

 **.**

When he sees her stuffing her face full of food at the staff meeting, he knows he should stop her, for he knows what she'll do after.

But he can't.

He can't forget. _(Nor can he forgive.)._

* * *

 **I**

She's watching the wedding on the tablet with her patient. She can't help but cry.

Maybe now it will work.

We have a _reason_ to make it work.

She finds herself not stopping as she reaches for her abdomen.

Her patient gives her a hopeful look.

"Are you expecting?"

Teddy smiles.

"I am," _They are._ (But he doesn't know.).

* * *

 **II**

The words hang in the air.

"I'm pregnant."

She slipped into the scrub room as he was scrubbing out.

She's been back as interim chief for 3 months. It's starting to show now. The _baby_ is starting to show.

She has to tell him now.

Maybe _now_ they can have their happy ending.

He can't push her away no matter how much she tries.

For she's carrying _his_ child.

He's finally _hers_.

She got him in a metaphorical vice like grip.

She's not letting go.

 _What has she become?_

* * *

 _I hope you enjoyed this. Leave a review?_


End file.
